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the mile high club May 22, 2010

Posted by Anonymous Smith in Uncategorized.
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Day 44 of sobriety

I am posting from 35,000 feet in the air.  The marvels of modern technology can be dumbfounding.  WiFi in flight is amazing.  Although I have been getting strange looks from a man two seats away as he saw the words “Diary of a Sex and Love Addict” flash across my computer screen.  I wonder if he has finally looked away because he sees that I am writing about him.

Regardless if he sees my face or sees what I am typing, I am still Anonymous Smith sitting next to him.  It is astonishing to me that our society has led us to isolate in a crowd of people.  I used to love meeting people on the plane, but I have noticed in the past few years that people are less willing to make small talk with strangers inflight.  I don’t know if it is fear of terrorists or fear of H1N1 that has led us to be comfortable living parallel lives with people near us without intersection.

But at the same time I am at fault because I am isolating into my computer, so I guess I am as much to blame as they are.

I am on my way “home” for the first time since I have started recovery.  Home being my parents house.  My therapist says that I shouldn’t call it “home” anymore, because it isn’t, and when I identify it as such there is a sense of regression that I attach to being there.  I think she is right.  I am definitely afraid to go back, since my family is the most triggering thing in my life.  The drama that they bring can always set me off.  I am not concerned about acting out sexually, but I am scared that I will not be strong enough to abstain from drinking.  Because if anything can drive me to drink it is my family.  But even with all their faults, they can be such the source of so much joy and laughter.

I am praying that this weekend will be a testament to the latter.  I am trying to go into this experience without expectations.  I am not going to expect them to be drama.  I am not going to expect them to be the perfect shiny happy family either.  I am bringing my program with me.  And for this day I am not going to act out no matter what my family may throw my way.  I am choosing to live differently and I hope that through interacting with me, they will see that, and act accordingly.

I am not without allies when I go home.  I have told my mother about my program, and everything that recovery entails for me.  And for the first time in 30 years she has actually shown up for me.  She is being the mother that I have always wanted and I am eternally grateful to God for that.  Because I have been praying for this so wholeheartedly that it can be nothing else.  In past every time I have gone to her, I have been rejected over and over again.  Ten years ago when I told her that I was raped when I was in highschool and I needed help, the first thing she told me was that it was my fault that I was depressed because I didn’t ask for help sooner.  Not exactly what you want to hear, but we move on.  I am letting that go because the person that is before me now is completely changed.

And if I believe that an addict can change, so can my mother.

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