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the chase is on June 9, 2010

Posted by Anonymous Smith in Uncategorized.
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Day 57 of sobriety – Written June 3, 2010

“If you chase God the way you chase a man/woman or your career, the life you REALLY want will start chasing you.” – Anonymous

The rate of recovery ebbs and flows.  I don’t feel particularly strong in my recovery right now.  I haven’t acted out, or feel like acting out, but I am exhausted, and emotionally drained.  I am uncovering this black haze that has spread all over my life, and it is frightening, and beautiful at the same time.

Yesterday in a therapy session, out of no where, I uttered words that I have never said out loud to anyone, regardless of how true it may be.  I said, “There is part of me that really hates myself.”  I said those words…I hate myself.  I couldn’t believe it.  I have been so amazing at faking confidence, and high self-esteem, but in the end you cannot run from yourself, or continue to lie to yourself in recovery.

It was painful to realize, but necessary to move on.  I trust God, that these truths needed to be revealed, so that I can fully invest in my recovery.  And I know in time this will change.  I feel it changing already.  Once I said it, a feeling of release passed over me that I will never be able to explain.  And even now, it’s easier.

My life is changing already.  The more I look to God for answers, the more He reveals the beauty of the world to me, for which I am eternally grateful.  Opportunities are opening all around me, and I this is because I am finally seeing the world.  Before I could only chase the objects of my disease.  I am excited to finally be chased by the life I want.

Comments»

1. Kevin Gonzaga - June 9, 2010

Sounds like you’re legitimately working the program DLSA. When I hear addicts who are writing and talking about how great their life is less than a year into sobriety I’m been taught that its usually a bad sign, possibly them faking their work or their attitude. So it’s good to read that you seem to have the brutal honesty that, while hard, will bear fruit.

Keep it up!

DSLA - June 9, 2010

Thank you Kevin for your support. It is a tough road, but support is the only thing that gets me through it.
God Bless,
Anonymous Smith


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