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dancing on the ceiling July 3, 2010

Posted by Anonymous Smith in Uncategorized.
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Day 68 of Sobriety – Written June 25 2010

There are so many things that you think you “love” when you are a SLA (sex and love addict).  A lot of it had to do with melding into the person I thought the person I loved would love.  And as I look back  at a lot ofmy interests, they were attached to some guy, that I was dating.  I “loved” college basketball, when my boyfriend was a basketball coach.  I “loved” speed metal when my boyfriend was a speed metal drummer.  Doesn’t every girl wake up to Pantera in the morning? I “loved” obscure writers when my boyfriend was an english major, when in reality I thought they were awful, and wanted to gouge my eyes out reading their 700 page tirades.  Although as a writer this was closer to the me I really was, but feigning love for certain books was excrutiating.  A few things have stood the test of time.  Jiu jitsu being one of them, but there is a part of me that still wants to take a step back from that, because there was a guy that really helped me see this sport, and love it.  Even though, that guy is long gone, I still love martial arts.

Recently I was on a quest to find something that I have loved even before my first crush, and that was dancing.  I remember being a little girl and seeing boy bands of the past and memorizing their dance moves.  I have seen videos of me doing dances with my little cousin.  So I decided to explore my old love.

Surprisingly enough, true love does exist.  I have been taking classes 4 days a week and sometimes twice a day (such an addict).  But I remembered why I loved it so much.  I feel so free when I dance, and although I look like a dork since I have never really done choreography before, I don’t stop doing it.  I think that I have been so focused on perfectionism, that I never let myself suck at anything.  I never let myself stay in the moment of being a student.  I have abandoned so many things because I couldn’t get it the first time, or be successful enough in my first attempt to be impressive.  I am humbled by this new experience, and grateful for this feeling of knowing that I don’t need to do something perfectly the first time.

So I show up to class, and before I walk in I pray that I have the courage to be free, to laugh at myself, and to let myself feel joy and not be embarrassed by my imperfections.