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Forgiveness? January 12, 2011

Posted by Anonymous Smith in Uncategorized.
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Recently, I got into an argument with a friend and I did something that required me to ask for forgiveness.  Although, both sides were at fault and we both asked each other for forgiveness, this didn’t have the same meaning for both of us.

When I think of forgiveness, I ask for it whole heartedly, and give it freely.  When I forgive someone, especially a close friend, it is done for me, and if I am holding onto something I consciously try to let it go.  The issue becomes past and I move on.  I, in no way have perfected forgiveness, or am an expert at it.  But I think that it is a lot easier to forgive when you are in recovery, since you hope to be forgiven for your many transgressions in your addiction.  And I am always reminded of Matthew 18:21-22 where we learn that we should forgive everyone who sins against us, every time, and not just at our leisure.

My friend is new to Christ and this Christian community and he told me that, although he forgives me, that I need to give him his space.  This has been pretty tough on me, because I am so used to just squashing arguments and moving forward.  This person in the past has been like a brother to me, so it is even more difficult to let things be, but I have respected his wishes, and his boundaries.

The other day I was at church and my friend was there.  And I thought to myself, this is perfect, finally we will get to talk and squash these months of uneasiness and not talking.  To my dismay, he avoided me like the plague, but also at the same time made sure to invite everyone around me to dinner, without making eye contact with me.  It felt blatant, and intentional.

I was hoping that in a new year, and in church, that it would be over.  But I realized that I cannot choose how someone forgives me, or when.  And even though he has said the words, his heart has still not forgiven.  The more I thought about it, I knew that I wanted my timing, and not God’s timing.  So I stepped back, and prayed.

I asked God to give me the will to accept him for how he is dealing with this situation.  I told God about my frustrations with it, and gave it all to Him.  I felt at peace with it, and restored.  Even though I hoped for something better, I released the control I wanted over the situation.  And in the end, I left thinking that even if I am never close friends with this person again, that they continue their walk with God, and he finds peace in his heart.

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