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about the author

I am a sex and love addict in my first stages of recovery.  My sobriety date is April 8, 2010.  I started this blog as a means to help me understand myself as I go through this 12 step program, as well as to let people know more about this disease as I go through recovery.  This disease has been so stigmatized it is hard to speak about this with my friends and family.  But for some reason sending my thoughts and feelings out anonymously into cyberspace feels good.  I am free here.  And even if no one reads this I will at least have that.

I am sure some of you are wondering how I got here.  Everyone’s story is different, but mine is not uncommon.  I am a sexual assault survivor.  When I was 16 I was raped by two of my “friends.” As a result after my experience I became hypersexual.  I know that seems insane to go into that direction, but I convinced myself that if I CHOOSE to have sex with the men I “loved” or lusted after, then they are not taking the choice away from me.  It was the way I coped with what happened to me.  I am not saying it was right, but it was my answer to get rid of the pain.  And since I never spoke about my rape issues, because of shame or fear, my self-prescribed coping mechanism went unchecked and my addiction flourished.

Cut to 14 years later and I finally hit rock bottom.  I thought that I had it under control, after being celibate for long periods of time.  But it was a false sense of control.  I had been slowly slipping into depression due to a violent death in the family.  One night I went home with a guy I met 2 hours earlier, left my friend at a bar, went back to his house and had sex with him.  This is something I hadn’t done in 10 years.  As an addict I sexualized my stress and depression and I needed escape.  I finally realized that I was powerless over this disease.

I spent the morning by myself in my brokenness and asked God for help.  And He answered.  I joined a 12 step program and found a therapist.  This compulsion is not something I could control on my own.  I admitted my powerlessness and gave it to God.  And that is where this story begins. 

My hope is for this blog to be a source of healing and understanding.  And I have faith that God will make that so.

-Anonymous Smith

*If you would like to share your story with me, or words of encouragement please comment or email me at anonymous@diaryofasexandloveaddict.com


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