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1/1/11 January 1, 2011

Posted by Anonymous Smith in Uncategorized.
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Day ??????

I obviously did what I always do and leave a project when it gets too hard or demanding.  So I have decided to change the way I view this blog.  Before I would vow to write in it every day, and when I wouldn’t it would make it extremely hard for me to get back up and write again.  Today I vow to make no vows.  This is for my healing and not another thing that can be the source of feelings of failure.  I started this blog for me, because I had something to say, and because I thought it would help others in my situation.  Today I write because I need to, and more importantly because I want to.

So to catch you all up on me:

  1. On November 21st I got baptized in the freezing cold ocean.  It was amazing and an inexplicable feeling of peace, and joy.
  2. I finished a program with my foundation where we were able to help a lot of kids on a path to healing.
  3. My mother and I have grown so close, it scares me a bit.  I still have to work on my “waiting for the other shoe to drop” mentality.  But I am enjoying the time.
  4. I learned that even with my strong faith, there was still an area of my life where I didn’t trust God.
  5. But more importantly I am still sober.  It is interesting how that one fact can lead to a drama free update.

So that has been happening, and although I am making no vows or resolutions today I want to share with you my hopes and dreams for the coming year.

  1. I hope that I can expand my foundation so that we can help more kids in need.
  2. I hope that this year my family and friends experience as many, if not more blessings than I did in the past year.
  3. I hope that I continue on my path of recovery with the diligence that I have been seeking it throughout the year.
  4. I hope to strive to grow my relationship with God so that I truly trust Him in all aspects of my life.

Thank you for listening to my ramblings and have a Happy and Prosperous New Year!

paging dr. feelgood May 25, 2010

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Day 47/48 of sobriety

Being sick sucks.  I feel awful.  After coming back from a very successful visit with the family, I can’t even enjoy my victory.  I was not triggered at all, when I was at home.  I didn’t let myself get dragged into family drama.  I didn’t break my bottom lines.  I didn’t drink, even when tempted.  I felt joy when my cousin got married.  I was happy for him, even though there was a part of me that was envious of his marriage.  I laughed and cried, in happiness, and in fear.  The fear of maybe never experiencing that beautiful event, was sad, but at the same time I was happy for someone I loved.  I let myself be in THAT moment without escaping, and it was amazing.

But now in THIS moment I am sick, and can’t enjoy anything.  I hate being alone when I feel sick.  No one to take care of me.  Not that I ever had anyone to baby me when I was growing up, but for some reason I always feel more alone when I am sick.   I want someone to bring me juice and make my tea.  But as I type this I realize that I don’t NEED someone to take care of me.  The addict in me NEEDS someone to be here.  So I choose to be still, and not reach out to a to anyone, and take care of myself.  I will find strength in that today.

I will remind myself of the victory over this weekend.  And the amazing gift of my mother’s understanding and support.  This weekend for the first time in my life, I felt protected and cherished by her.  When I had my phone meeting* and people kept trying to interrupt me, she told them I was on an “important conference call.”  She has changed, and her support makes me feel strong in my recovery, because I am learning to trust her like I have never let myself do in the past.  Learning vulnerability is a gift of this program, and I am thankful to receive it.  If nothing else, that is making me feel better.

*SLAA has phone meetings you can call into to, when you are too far from a live meeting.

the mile high club May 22, 2010

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Day 44 of sobriety

I am posting from 35,000 feet in the air.  The marvels of modern technology can be dumbfounding.  WiFi in flight is amazing.  Although I have been getting strange looks from a man two seats away as he saw the words “Diary of a Sex and Love Addict” flash across my computer screen.  I wonder if he has finally looked away because he sees that I am writing about him.

Regardless if he sees my face or sees what I am typing, I am still Anonymous Smith sitting next to him.  It is astonishing to me that our society has led us to isolate in a crowd of people.  I used to love meeting people on the plane, but I have noticed in the past few years that people are less willing to make small talk with strangers inflight.  I don’t know if it is fear of terrorists or fear of H1N1 that has led us to be comfortable living parallel lives with people near us without intersection.

But at the same time I am at fault because I am isolating into my computer, so I guess I am as much to blame as they are.

I am on my way “home” for the first time since I have started recovery.  Home being my parents house.  My therapist says that I shouldn’t call it “home” anymore, because it isn’t, and when I identify it as such there is a sense of regression that I attach to being there.  I think she is right.  I am definitely afraid to go back, since my family is the most triggering thing in my life.  The drama that they bring can always set me off.  I am not concerned about acting out sexually, but I am scared that I will not be strong enough to abstain from drinking.  Because if anything can drive me to drink it is my family.  But even with all their faults, they can be such the source of so much joy and laughter.

I am praying that this weekend will be a testament to the latter.  I am trying to go into this experience without expectations.  I am not going to expect them to be drama.  I am not going to expect them to be the perfect shiny happy family either.  I am bringing my program with me.  And for this day I am not going to act out no matter what my family may throw my way.  I am choosing to live differently and I hope that through interacting with me, they will see that, and act accordingly.

I am not without allies when I go home.  I have told my mother about my program, and everything that recovery entails for me.  And for the first time in 30 years she has actually shown up for me.  She is being the mother that I have always wanted and I am eternally grateful to God for that.  Because I have been praying for this so wholeheartedly that it can be nothing else.  In past every time I have gone to her, I have been rejected over and over again.  Ten years ago when I told her that I was raped when I was in highschool and I needed help, the first thing she told me was that it was my fault that I was depressed because I didn’t ask for help sooner.  Not exactly what you want to hear, but we move on.  I am letting that go because the person that is before me now is completely changed.

And if I believe that an addict can change, so can my mother.