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Forgiveness? January 12, 2011

Posted by Anonymous Smith in Uncategorized.
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Recently, I got into an argument with a friend and I did something that required me to ask for forgiveness.  Although, both sides were at fault and we both asked each other for forgiveness, this didn’t have the same meaning for both of us.

When I think of forgiveness, I ask for it whole heartedly, and give it freely.  When I forgive someone, especially a close friend, it is done for me, and if I am holding onto something I consciously try to let it go.  The issue becomes past and I move on.  I, in no way have perfected forgiveness, or am an expert at it.  But I think that it is a lot easier to forgive when you are in recovery, since you hope to be forgiven for your many transgressions in your addiction.  And I am always reminded of Matthew 18:21-22 where we learn that we should forgive everyone who sins against us, every time, and not just at our leisure.

My friend is new to Christ and this Christian community and he told me that, although he forgives me, that I need to give him his space.  This has been pretty tough on me, because I am so used to just squashing arguments and moving forward.  This person in the past has been like a brother to me, so it is even more difficult to let things be, but I have respected his wishes, and his boundaries.

The other day I was at church and my friend was there.  And I thought to myself, this is perfect, finally we will get to talk and squash these months of uneasiness and not talking.  To my dismay, he avoided me like the plague, but also at the same time made sure to invite everyone around me to dinner, without making eye contact with me.  It felt blatant, and intentional.

I was hoping that in a new year, and in church, that it would be over.  But I realized that I cannot choose how someone forgives me, or when.  And even though he has said the words, his heart has still not forgiven.  The more I thought about it, I knew that I wanted my timing, and not God’s timing.  So I stepped back, and prayed.

I asked God to give me the will to accept him for how he is dealing with this situation.  I told God about my frustrations with it, and gave it all to Him.  I felt at peace with it, and restored.  Even though I hoped for something better, I released the control I wanted over the situation.  And in the end, I left thinking that even if I am never close friends with this person again, that they continue their walk with God, and he finds peace in his heart.

mirror, mirror on the wall… June 9, 2010

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Day 60 of Sobriety – Written June 6, 2010

I can’t believe I made it to day 60.  When people say that it gets easier not to act out when you have had more sobriety, THAT IS NOT A LIE.  The night before I was going to get my 30 days, I was white knuckling it on day 29.  Part of me thinks it was like that because deep inside I thought if I failed that meant this program doesn’t work and I could go back to acting out. But I succeeded and only by the grace of God, did I do it that day.  I literally had to clutch my hands together in prayer all night to keep myself from acting out.  It is hard to act out when you are praying, so AMEN for prayer.

Today was different, if it wasn’t for the fact that I have it marked on my calendar, it wasn’t that bad.  No white knuckling involved.  I think that the main challenge I face is not letting other people’s actions trigger me.  I work in entertainment with a lot of artistic types.  Sex and love addicts run rampant in this industry.  But at the same time I am also a devout Christian, and have an amazing group of friends from church.  Yesterday, I had a BBQ with everyone and there was an intermingling of my work life and my church life.  And I was definitely triggered.

I was triggered by this woman Angie*, a co worker.  Angie is beautiful and petite, wears all the right kind of make-up, and shows all kinds of skin.  She was flirting left and right with a lot of men that are from my church, and it was excruciating to watch, because in a different time and a different place I would be hitting on the same men.  But I refrained from debasing myself and competing with her.  I hated her for that moment in time because she was getting to do all of the things that I wish I could do.  But at the end of the day when all is said and done, I was the woman of integrity that I wanted to be, and I no longer envied her.  I accepted her for whom she was, I accepted where I was at in my life and also my place with the men in my life.  And that, for me, is progress. 

Being truly beautiful is not about how much make-up you have on, or how big your boobs are, or what you can give sexually or allude to intentionally; being truly beautiful is tied to the glow you emit spiritually, and the contribution you make globally.  I commit to you today, that that is the kind of beauty I am going to strive for everyday.

*All names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

the chase is on June 9, 2010

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Day 57 of sobriety – Written June 3, 2010

“If you chase God the way you chase a man/woman or your career, the life you REALLY want will start chasing you.” – Anonymous

The rate of recovery ebbs and flows.  I don’t feel particularly strong in my recovery right now.  I haven’t acted out, or feel like acting out, but I am exhausted, and emotionally drained.  I am uncovering this black haze that has spread all over my life, and it is frightening, and beautiful at the same time.

Yesterday in a therapy session, out of no where, I uttered words that I have never said out loud to anyone, regardless of how true it may be.  I said, “There is part of me that really hates myself.”  I said those words…I hate myself.  I couldn’t believe it.  I have been so amazing at faking confidence, and high self-esteem, but in the end you cannot run from yourself, or continue to lie to yourself in recovery.

It was painful to realize, but necessary to move on.  I trust God, that these truths needed to be revealed, so that I can fully invest in my recovery.  And I know in time this will change.  I feel it changing already.  Once I said it, a feeling of release passed over me that I will never be able to explain.  And even now, it’s easier.

My life is changing already.  The more I look to God for answers, the more He reveals the beauty of the world to me, for which I am eternally grateful.  Opportunities are opening all around me, and I this is because I am finally seeing the world.  Before I could only chase the objects of my disease.  I am excited to finally be chased by the life I want.