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the chase is on June 9, 2010

Posted by Anonymous Smith in Uncategorized.
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Day 57 of sobriety – Written June 3, 2010

“If you chase God the way you chase a man/woman or your career, the life you REALLY want will start chasing you.” – Anonymous

The rate of recovery ebbs and flows.  I don’t feel particularly strong in my recovery right now.  I haven’t acted out, or feel like acting out, but I am exhausted, and emotionally drained.  I am uncovering this black haze that has spread all over my life, and it is frightening, and beautiful at the same time.

Yesterday in a therapy session, out of no where, I uttered words that I have never said out loud to anyone, regardless of how true it may be.  I said, “There is part of me that really hates myself.”  I said those words…I hate myself.  I couldn’t believe it.  I have been so amazing at faking confidence, and high self-esteem, but in the end you cannot run from yourself, or continue to lie to yourself in recovery.

It was painful to realize, but necessary to move on.  I trust God, that these truths needed to be revealed, so that I can fully invest in my recovery.  And I know in time this will change.  I feel it changing already.  Once I said it, a feeling of release passed over me that I will never be able to explain.  And even now, it’s easier.

My life is changing already.  The more I look to God for answers, the more He reveals the beauty of the world to me, for which I am eternally grateful.  Opportunities are opening all around me, and I this is because I am finally seeing the world.  Before I could only chase the objects of my disease.  I am excited to finally be chased by the life I want.

paging dr. feelgood May 25, 2010

Posted by Anonymous Smith in Uncategorized.
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Day 47/48 of sobriety

Being sick sucks.  I feel awful.  After coming back from a very successful visit with the family, I can’t even enjoy my victory.  I was not triggered at all, when I was at home.  I didn’t let myself get dragged into family drama.  I didn’t break my bottom lines.  I didn’t drink, even when tempted.  I felt joy when my cousin got married.  I was happy for him, even though there was a part of me that was envious of his marriage.  I laughed and cried, in happiness, and in fear.  The fear of maybe never experiencing that beautiful event, was sad, but at the same time I was happy for someone I loved.  I let myself be in THAT moment without escaping, and it was amazing.

But now in THIS moment I am sick, and can’t enjoy anything.  I hate being alone when I feel sick.  No one to take care of me.  Not that I ever had anyone to baby me when I was growing up, but for some reason I always feel more alone when I am sick.   I want someone to bring me juice and make my tea.  But as I type this I realize that I don’t NEED someone to take care of me.  The addict in me NEEDS someone to be here.  So I choose to be still, and not reach out to a to anyone, and take care of myself.  I will find strength in that today.

I will remind myself of the victory over this weekend.  And the amazing gift of my mother’s understanding and support.  This weekend for the first time in my life, I felt protected and cherished by her.  When I had my phone meeting* and people kept trying to interrupt me, she told them I was on an “important conference call.”  She has changed, and her support makes me feel strong in my recovery, because I am learning to trust her like I have never let myself do in the past.  Learning vulnerability is a gift of this program, and I am thankful to receive it.  If nothing else, that is making me feel better.

*SLAA has phone meetings you can call into to, when you are too far from a live meeting.