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You are my Everest! January 2, 2011

Posted by Anonymous Smith in Uncategorized.
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If you have never done a fourth step in a 12 step program, you will have no idea what it is like.  For you that have, you can commiserate.  I have known so many people that gave up on their 4th step the first, and some even said they tried three times and had given up.  I now understand why.

The 4th Step is to “make a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves.”  The first thing that stands out to me is the “fearless” part.  We are asked to go into the dark recesses of our past, and shed light on what we have forgotten, and what we wished we had.  To see our part in everything that has happened to us in our lives, and make peace with it, and move into a new direction.  Sound easy?  I think not.

I have faced so many things head on, I have run 3 marathons, even faced my rapists, but this is something I run from.  I think that what keeps us from healing from our addiction, is our fear of what we will see in the mirror.  The part we have taken in the direction of our lives.  If we stay oblivious and we can continue to blame someone else, be it a relationship, a screwed up family, or being a rape survivor.  These things though tragic and heart breaking are not the end of us.  We are still here, still fighting.  We are in program because we have hope, that we can achieve something better.  We trust God, that “this” is not it, but whatever “it” is, it resides on the other side of the fourth step.

I have to admit, it has been a month and a half since I have looked at my fourth step.  I am in the first stages of it.  I have written out my resentments.  I started out on my moral high horse, and thought that because I had such a great relationship with God, I resented nothing; cut to, 2 hours later and I have 187 resentments, and still counting.  I got out of my own way and was completely honest.  It wasn’t about what looked good, but what was right to say.  It is for no one to see except my sponsor.  It is safe.  But I am at a road block.

Writing out your resentments flows like water, when you open that flood gate.  You add resentment on top of resentment.  You remember hatreds, and past wrongs like they happened yesterday.  You feel justified, you write down things that are petty.  But after all that fun, the hard part begins.  For every resentment you have, you have to write out your part in the situation.  What YOU did in the situation, where you were selfish, or self-centered, and how your actions added to the situation you resented.  Fun, right?

This is where I am at.  The 3rd column of my 4th step spread sheet.  This third column is my Everest.  I am going to be fearless this week and tackle some of it, I don’t know how much, but little by little I am going to climb this mountain.  I can’t stay on this side forever.  I want to see what hope looks like, I want to see what healing looks like on the other side of Everest.