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1/1/11 January 1, 2011

Posted by Anonymous Smith in Uncategorized.
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Day ??????

I obviously did what I always do and leave a project when it gets too hard or demanding.  So I have decided to change the way I view this blog.  Before I would vow to write in it every day, and when I wouldn’t it would make it extremely hard for me to get back up and write again.  Today I vow to make no vows.  This is for my healing and not another thing that can be the source of feelings of failure.  I started this blog for me, because I had something to say, and because I thought it would help others in my situation.  Today I write because I need to, and more importantly because I want to.

So to catch you all up on me:

  1. On November 21st I got baptized in the freezing cold ocean.  It was amazing and an inexplicable feeling of peace, and joy.
  2. I finished a program with my foundation where we were able to help a lot of kids on a path to healing.
  3. My mother and I have grown so close, it scares me a bit.  I still have to work on my “waiting for the other shoe to drop” mentality.  But I am enjoying the time.
  4. I learned that even with my strong faith, there was still an area of my life where I didn’t trust God.
  5. But more importantly I am still sober.  It is interesting how that one fact can lead to a drama free update.

So that has been happening, and although I am making no vows or resolutions today I want to share with you my hopes and dreams for the coming year.

  1. I hope that I can expand my foundation so that we can help more kids in need.
  2. I hope that this year my family and friends experience as many, if not more blessings than I did in the past year.
  3. I hope that I continue on my path of recovery with the diligence that I have been seeking it throughout the year.
  4. I hope to strive to grow my relationship with God so that I truly trust Him in all aspects of my life.

Thank you for listening to my ramblings and have a Happy and Prosperous New Year!

dancing on the ceiling July 3, 2010

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Day 68 of Sobriety – Written June 25 2010

There are so many things that you think you “love” when you are a SLA (sex and love addict).  A lot of it had to do with melding into the person I thought the person I loved would love.  And as I look back  at a lot ofmy interests, they were attached to some guy, that I was dating.  I “loved” college basketball, when my boyfriend was a basketball coach.  I “loved” speed metal when my boyfriend was a speed metal drummer.  Doesn’t every girl wake up to Pantera in the morning? I “loved” obscure writers when my boyfriend was an english major, when in reality I thought they were awful, and wanted to gouge my eyes out reading their 700 page tirades.  Although as a writer this was closer to the me I really was, but feigning love for certain books was excrutiating.  A few things have stood the test of time.  Jiu jitsu being one of them, but there is a part of me that still wants to take a step back from that, because there was a guy that really helped me see this sport, and love it.  Even though, that guy is long gone, I still love martial arts.

Recently I was on a quest to find something that I have loved even before my first crush, and that was dancing.  I remember being a little girl and seeing boy bands of the past and memorizing their dance moves.  I have seen videos of me doing dances with my little cousin.  So I decided to explore my old love.

Surprisingly enough, true love does exist.  I have been taking classes 4 days a week and sometimes twice a day (such an addict).  But I remembered why I loved it so much.  I feel so free when I dance, and although I look like a dork since I have never really done choreography before, I don’t stop doing it.  I think that I have been so focused on perfectionism, that I never let myself suck at anything.  I never let myself stay in the moment of being a student.  I have abandoned so many things because I couldn’t get it the first time, or be successful enough in my first attempt to be impressive.  I am humbled by this new experience, and grateful for this feeling of knowing that I don’t need to do something perfectly the first time.

So I show up to class, and before I walk in I pray that I have the courage to be free, to laugh at myself, and to let myself feel joy and not be embarrassed by my imperfections.

mirror, mirror on the wall… June 9, 2010

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Day 60 of Sobriety – Written June 6, 2010

I can’t believe I made it to day 60.  When people say that it gets easier not to act out when you have had more sobriety, THAT IS NOT A LIE.  The night before I was going to get my 30 days, I was white knuckling it on day 29.  Part of me thinks it was like that because deep inside I thought if I failed that meant this program doesn’t work and I could go back to acting out. But I succeeded and only by the grace of God, did I do it that day.  I literally had to clutch my hands together in prayer all night to keep myself from acting out.  It is hard to act out when you are praying, so AMEN for prayer.

Today was different, if it wasn’t for the fact that I have it marked on my calendar, it wasn’t that bad.  No white knuckling involved.  I think that the main challenge I face is not letting other people’s actions trigger me.  I work in entertainment with a lot of artistic types.  Sex and love addicts run rampant in this industry.  But at the same time I am also a devout Christian, and have an amazing group of friends from church.  Yesterday, I had a BBQ with everyone and there was an intermingling of my work life and my church life.  And I was definitely triggered.

I was triggered by this woman Angie*, a co worker.  Angie is beautiful and petite, wears all the right kind of make-up, and shows all kinds of skin.  She was flirting left and right with a lot of men that are from my church, and it was excruciating to watch, because in a different time and a different place I would be hitting on the same men.  But I refrained from debasing myself and competing with her.  I hated her for that moment in time because she was getting to do all of the things that I wish I could do.  But at the end of the day when all is said and done, I was the woman of integrity that I wanted to be, and I no longer envied her.  I accepted her for whom she was, I accepted where I was at in my life and also my place with the men in my life.  And that, for me, is progress. 

Being truly beautiful is not about how much make-up you have on, or how big your boobs are, or what you can give sexually or allude to intentionally; being truly beautiful is tied to the glow you emit spiritually, and the contribution you make globally.  I commit to you today, that that is the kind of beauty I am going to strive for everyday.

*All names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

the chase is on June 9, 2010

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Day 57 of sobriety – Written June 3, 2010

“If you chase God the way you chase a man/woman or your career, the life you REALLY want will start chasing you.” – Anonymous

The rate of recovery ebbs and flows.  I don’t feel particularly strong in my recovery right now.  I haven’t acted out, or feel like acting out, but I am exhausted, and emotionally drained.  I am uncovering this black haze that has spread all over my life, and it is frightening, and beautiful at the same time.

Yesterday in a therapy session, out of no where, I uttered words that I have never said out loud to anyone, regardless of how true it may be.  I said, “There is part of me that really hates myself.”  I said those words…I hate myself.  I couldn’t believe it.  I have been so amazing at faking confidence, and high self-esteem, but in the end you cannot run from yourself, or continue to lie to yourself in recovery.

It was painful to realize, but necessary to move on.  I trust God, that these truths needed to be revealed, so that I can fully invest in my recovery.  And I know in time this will change.  I feel it changing already.  Once I said it, a feeling of release passed over me that I will never be able to explain.  And even now, it’s easier.

My life is changing already.  The more I look to God for answers, the more He reveals the beauty of the world to me, for which I am eternally grateful.  Opportunities are opening all around me, and I this is because I am finally seeing the world.  Before I could only chase the objects of my disease.  I am excited to finally be chased by the life I want.

party like it’s 1999…hmm maybe not May 28, 2010

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Day 50/51 of sobriety

I just bought a plane ticket to go to my good friend Tommy’s* engagement party.  Tommy is a good friend from college who has always been there for me.  Another thing about Tommy is that his personality in college was akin to James Belushi’s character in Animal House and so were all of our other roommates.  So his  engagement party may not be the best place for a recovering sex and love addict. 

In recovery everything feels like it’s happening for the first time, because when you are sober you interact with the world in a completely new way.  I am constantly trying to make sure that I am doing “contrary action.”  If you are not familiar with 12 step speak, that means I am constantly going against what has been my addict nature to do.  For example, if I am in a group of men at a party, I have to go against my nature and NOT make an off-color joke that draws attention to me in a sexual way.  This can be exhausting, and frustrating, and a daily staple of recovery.  But a necessity if I want to change patterns of behavior that have been in place for decades.  And the prospect of going this on a trip with old college friends is frightening!

There is an inevitable regression when you hang out with people from your past, especially under the guise of a party.  You want to relive all of the fun memories, and go through all of your exploits together.  And if you are in controlled setting, you let loose, and act as if you are 21 again.  This is an easy task for my friends and I, partially because I think all of my friends are addicts NOT in recovery. 

This trip is going to be my greatest challenge thus far.  But I don’t want to live my life in a recovery bubble.  Life does not exist in my strict program schedule, it exists in using the tools I learn to live the life that I want, and that means seeing where old people fit into my new life.  I know that some people will be lost, but those losses are part of the process.  The relationships that you lose are toxic in some way, and I have realized it is okay to say goodbye to those people.  I am not saying that I am going to sever ties, but I am considering this a reconnaissance mission and a test.  Tommy has a cousin, Jason, who is someone I have acted out with on several occasions.  And he is still unattached.  He pursues anything that moves, and I have been on the other end of his scope many a time.  I have resisted him before, and I have also succumbed.  He has beautiful blue eyes, dark hair, he can make you laugh so hard you cry, and can charm the pants off of you – he at times was my kryptonite.  And he is why I am having reservations about this trip.  But I don’t want my disease to affect me being there to celebrate a new chapter in Tommy’s life.  I want to be there and be a part of that.

After a great trip to my parent’s house, and not having acted-out even when triggered, I know I am stronger in my recovery than I give myself credit for, but I am not stupid.  I have already set up allies on my trip to Tommy’s.  I have clued in a few of my friends that I am no longer drinking, and not to give me a hard time about it.  I have also made sure that I have access to meetings via phone or online when I am traveling.  And although I bought my ticket already, I am going to let myself have the option of not going if I really feel that I am not ready, rather than feel obligated.  So AMEN for travelers insurance!  And for me this is growth, because the addict still lies within, and I have no preconceived notions that I am healed because of my little victories here and there.  They just let me know that I am on the right path. 

Partying like it’s 1999 is no longer an option, but enjoying the party in 2010 is still a possibility.  There is no drinking or acting out, but there is real joy, and that is more appealing to me than getting drunk and making bad decisions.  And thank God for that.

*All names and places have been changed to maintain anonymity, but it’s annoying to me to have just letters for people’s names, so I assign people names I think they should have 🙂