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Inspired January 8, 2011

Posted by Anonymous Smith in Uncategorized.
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There is definitely something to be said about just showing up.  I was going to skip a dinner on Sunday, because I was starting my first week of work after a long vacation.  It was a discussion dinner, and the topic was creativity.  As a writer my first instinct should be to go to events like this, but lately I have wanted to seclude myself.   Somehow I went against my nature and attended the dinner.

It was slow going at first, not everyone is a verbal processor, and no one was volunteering answers to any of the topical questions.  Silence is excruciating for me in a group setting.  But a friend of mine was leading it, so I just jumped in to help him out.  I shared about writing and what it meant to me.  There were times where it was just crickets, but as people felt more comfortable they began to share about what they were passionate about it turned into something amazing.

I think that being present, as they say in 12 step speak, is probably the best lesson they teach in program.  I watched people’s demeanor change from shy to animated.  And I realized that as a society we are rarely asked to share about what we love to do.  We are rarely asked to talk about our art, and what it means to us; how it heals us, and fuels us.  And given that opportunity we shine.  We smile in the middle of explaining because we remember a moment when we were creating something that moved our soul, and we don’t necessarily share that moment, but we share why we love to do what we do.

A woman in the group who seamed to be shy was finally asked to share her gift.  None of us in the room really knew what to expect, since when we asked her what she loved, she answered, “playing 19th century piano music.”  I think most of us were not at all impressed, since most of us probably had the latest top 40 song in our head.  But as she began to play Chopin’s Fantasie Impromptu, we were all taken to a different place.  She came alive as she played.  I took a moment to scan the room as I let myself be broken from the trance of her playing, everyone was mesmerized by her talent, and her passion.  No one moved, they were all transfixed on this woman, whose playing was shaking the piano, and our preconceived notions about 19th century music.

As she played I began to formulate a short story in my head.  I felt inspired.  I would have completely missed out on this experience had I let myself stay in seclusion.  I made excuse, after excuse as to why I shouldn’t go to dinner, but for some reason I went against everything that I felt and decided to show up.  There is growth in that.  I am starting to show up for my life again.  It’s strange to know where I was a year ago in my addiction and to see the person I am now, and I am glad that I don’t recognize myself.  The person I knew I didn’t like, and it is great to know that I ultimately had the power to change that person.  I know I am not finished, but seeing my own progress is inspiring, and I hang on to that and it keeps me moving forward. 

*If you would like to hear Chopin’s Fantasie Impromptu please see the attached link.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7K4-r5V3cVw&feature=related

1/1/11 January 1, 2011

Posted by Anonymous Smith in Uncategorized.
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Day ??????

I obviously did what I always do and leave a project when it gets too hard or demanding.  So I have decided to change the way I view this blog.  Before I would vow to write in it every day, and when I wouldn’t it would make it extremely hard for me to get back up and write again.  Today I vow to make no vows.  This is for my healing and not another thing that can be the source of feelings of failure.  I started this blog for me, because I had something to say, and because I thought it would help others in my situation.  Today I write because I need to, and more importantly because I want to.

So to catch you all up on me:

  1. On November 21st I got baptized in the freezing cold ocean.  It was amazing and an inexplicable feeling of peace, and joy.
  2. I finished a program with my foundation where we were able to help a lot of kids on a path to healing.
  3. My mother and I have grown so close, it scares me a bit.  I still have to work on my “waiting for the other shoe to drop” mentality.  But I am enjoying the time.
  4. I learned that even with my strong faith, there was still an area of my life where I didn’t trust God.
  5. But more importantly I am still sober.  It is interesting how that one fact can lead to a drama free update.

So that has been happening, and although I am making no vows or resolutions today I want to share with you my hopes and dreams for the coming year.

  1. I hope that I can expand my foundation so that we can help more kids in need.
  2. I hope that this year my family and friends experience as many, if not more blessings than I did in the past year.
  3. I hope that I continue on my path of recovery with the diligence that I have been seeking it throughout the year.
  4. I hope to strive to grow my relationship with God so that I truly trust Him in all aspects of my life.

Thank you for listening to my ramblings and have a Happy and Prosperous New Year!